An Apology.

Beads!

Holy Smokes.  What a despicable, depressed mess I have been.  Yuk.  I apologize.  No one wants to click on a blog and hear depression.  People have their own shit to deal with.  Well, I suppose we all go up and down...  but when I'm down I should just keep it to myself.  The therapist thinks I have a chemical imbalance.  I say... it's definitely possible.  I'm not going back on meds tho..  that's too easy.  And bad for the soul.  Making changes in my diet.. eating actual FOOD and not crap...  moving around more... and doing something to relax my crazy mind.. is something I need to keep doing.  Falling off track seems So Easy.  I've been doing really well for about..  9 days now.  There has been bouts of depression that have slipped in there, but I'm trying to fight it.  For some reason, every time I vacuum I feel depressed.  Haha.  I just think it's such a mundane task.. and it gives me nothing but idle time to THINK.  And.. I really don't like to think.  I wish I could have constant Things filling up my head so I would never have to think.  This is going to sound bad but...  I am in No Way Shape or Form a suicidal person but.. if I had to do a job... such as Vacuuming for an 8-hour shift, I would more than likely be floating below a bridge somewhere.  I know, that sounds really bad.. but..  there would just be too much idle time.  And when you supposedly have a chemical imbalance in the brain, idle time is a Very, Very bad thing.  SO...................................... yeah.  Trying to stay busy..  be more active.. eat better... eat less....  Drum More!

I'm pretty excited...  in 3 days I will be drumming next to my drum instructor at an African dance class!  It's going to be So Much Fun.  I love that shit. Drumming... dancing...  getting into that whole trance-like-mode.   Where.. there is no such thing as Troubles...  you are drumming and dancing them away... and the best part is..  No Thinking!  Well.. only about the beat I'm trying to hold down.  That whole African beat thing.. really does something to my innards.  It's a Very Good Thing.  I'm nowhere Near good enough to be doing this.. haha.. but... he thinks I am.  So, that makes me feel good.  :)  2 hours straight of hand drumming!  Wow! 

What else is going on...

I'm getting back into being crafty again.  Creating things is fun.  My mother is Insanely Crafty.. and I'm going to be joining her at some upcoming craft shows.    ////////Made some duct tape flower pens, just for fun.  People loved them.  I ended up giving most of them away to little girls.  You should have seen their faces light up.  It was priceless.  Hell.. I should just make duct tape flower pens and pass them out to little girls everywhere!  I should come up with a male version.  I told a little boy that he could buy a flower pen.. it isn't just for girls.  He was slightly offended.  Wonder if I could formulate (formulate??) a Matchbox car topper for the pen?  ...Are they even Called Matchbox cars anymore?  I feel so old saying that.  Speaking of matches...  I was watching a how-it's-made type of show last night where they were making A TON of matches..  who even buys matches anymore?\\\\\\\\   Wow can this girl go off on a tangent.  So, I will be making some non-fancy necklaces and bracelets.  I can never find the ones I want.. so I gotta make my own.  I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of Fancy Shmancy Girly-ness.   

I need to really CRACK UP.  Like...  when your stomach hurts and tears are pouring down your cheeks.  How awesome is that?  It's a shame that's a rarity for most.  When I do, it's usually my cats that do it..  Mostly Iggs.  Holy Hell is that feline funny.  I love when he gets really wild..  he just gets this Burst of COMPLETE WILDNESS and gets all hyper and Takes OFF down the hallway.. .and tackles this little rug we have by the door.  HAHA.  He straddles it with all four legs.. and bites it.  It's effing hilarious. 

[[out of nowhere]]  I wonder why I feel so uncomfortable even showing a LITTLE bit of cleavage.  I've never been one of those chics that are like... yeah..   look at This.  Even the tiniest bit showing..  I can't stand.  And it's not insecurity.  I know the visual of it is a good thing..  I'm sure it looks lovely to the eye but..  I just... can't do it.  It's the tomboy in me.  It just seems.. not right! 

Starbucks!!  Italian Roast.  In my cup this morning.  Best coffee on Earth.