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| Marco Island, FL |
It is no surprise, and no secret that I am taking an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. Well, perhaps it Is a surprise to some of you. You all see me as this happy-go-lucky, fun girl. That, I am. But we all struggle with things inside of our soul. Brain. Head. Heart. Whatever you want to call it. I do know that you are all aware of how hyper and anxious and antsy and fearful I tend to be tho. This pill has helped greatly. I feel as tho I am going thru a transitional period in my late (Jesus) Thirties. Lots and LOTS of things swirling around in this foggy noggin. But.. like I said.. none of that is of any interest to the average blog-reader.
So..............
I was in Florida a couple months back. I found myself in a very beautiful section of our vast country. I was hoping for blue water, as the web had promised me, but I should have known better. Regardless, it was Very clean and Very beautiful. The best part about being on the beach was being there around 7am. When the sky was at its most amazing point.. and there were only a handful of people there. And there's just something about that time.. standing there.. looking at the ocean and the sky.. and watching the birds.. that is very calming. Gives you a feeling of inner peace. Aren't we All after inner peace? I met a couple chics down there whom I called my "stranger friends". Cause they were after all.. total strangers. But they were my friends that week. Very interesting and fun people. An episode happened while having lunch with them one day. It wasn't funny at the time (to me), but it certainly was after the fact. However, it was definitely one of those "had to be there" moments. I'll just give you the bottom line.
My version of "The Bottom Line":
My phone got a little wet. It stopped working, then started acting insane. So I had it outside, in some mulch, drying in the sun. I go check on it and it's GONE. Keep in mind, this is Before I started taking my meds. I freaked the Eff OUT. It was as if someone stole my newborn baby. I frantically ran out the door.. looking left.. looking right.. hands up in the air.. pure panic. I ran down to the sand where I saw a man with some sort of device attached to his back. I asked him if he saw a phone. He said "A phone? No. Oh wait.. mine's gone too!" I took another route.. and.. my "stranger friends" were laughing, hanging out the restaurant door saying "We have your phone". I was like "YOU HAVE MY PHONE!??" haha... I thought they had Punk'd me.. but a staffer had picked it up.. thought someone dropped it. So, I had my phone back. But then we all had a good, hearty (hardy?) laugh at my ridiculous actions. Why was I in so much of a panic? I don't know.. that's who I am I guess. It's in my blood to panic. It just sucked that all my contact info was in there.. and would be lost forever.. not to mention that some Real Stranger was gonna have access to all of YOUR information.
Like how long my "bottom lines" are?
Nothing else all that interesting happened down there besides a conversation I overheard at this Italian restaurant on my 36th birthday. It was a large table of old men. In my experience these type of humans do not usually talk about things like this, so it piqued my interest. They were discussing reincarnation. This just goes to show that I need to leave my small, narrow-minded town a little more often. Sometimes I feel like I am a prisoner of this place. And it's sucking me into it's narrow-minded world.
When I came back from vacation, I went out with one of my best friends.. to celebrate the 36 extraordinary years I have spent on this globe. And how does any 36 year old celebrate their life? By getting trashed of course. (shaking head) Somewhere along the way I have picked up the bad habit..... any type of celebration equals numbing one's mind. I feel (felt) it's my right to get hammered on my Birthday. That doesn't even make any sense. It's fucking stupid. And I'm learning, okay. The last time I drank, even a drop, was 42 days ago. To me, that's very impressive. I can't take full credit tho. It's the medication that calms me enough to not want to throw back several beers in a matter of minutes.
I would like to give MAD PROPS (what's a prop, anyway?) to my BMF. You know who you are. He is what inspired me to come out of my shell and get my shit together in the blogosphere. Thank you. I know your life is So boring.. you just can't WAIT to read about mine. See, that's how we do.. we rip on each other. That's how we show love. Twisted? Perhaps. Fun? Mos Def. In fact, we all know it's quite the opposite. My life is indeed much less colorful than his. He truly does LIVE. In every aspect of the word. Experiences life. That's what it's all about. Really Experiencing life.. in every aspect. Good, bad, salty, sweet. Learning, giving, having stories to tell. Oh, you better believe he's the master story-teller. I miss those stories. Why don't you go do something crazy so I can get an earful. haha. Either way, thanks once again for breathing new life into this chaotic, confused creature. You are greatly appreciated.
I guess I do believe that some people's wires are just effed up. Some people are wired nice and straight. No tangles or bends. No frays or damage. Others.. it's a jungle in there. That's how I feel about My wires. Are we Born with a perfect wiring system... and over time and the experience of abuse.. do they then get tangled and torn? Or are we effed from the get-go? I don't think I'll ever find the answer to That one.
This is old news by now, but I felt my very first earthquake, which I found extremely exciting. It was only a small tremor.. but I felt it. NEATO.
My grandmother turned 80. I can't imagine how she must feel. I'm over here feeling old(ish) being almost 40. Another 40+ years. How will I spend my next 40+ years. Hmmm..... Life.. and thinking about the future is very, very strange. Death, of course, is even stranger. My mother hugged me yesterday.. and then said "you used to be my Baby!".. then started to cry. It was Very sad. She remembers me as an infant.. a toddler.. a little girl. And here I am.. almost fuckin' 40. What the H is that?? It's weird. She said "life is fuckin' WEIRD." haha.. no doubt, JT. No Doubt. Death.. my gram will be ... Gone.. one day. As we all will. But we think about her first cause she's closer to that number. You start thinking about death around 80. I would think so, anyway. I'm already thinking about it. I can't imagine how She feels. At 80... 90.. whatever... will I feel that I have lived my life to the fullest? Will I have any regrets? I certainly do not want any regrets at 80 or 90. Do YOU?? ...that leads me to the question.. how DO we know what our Intended Destiny is? How do we know which path is our Absolute Right path to take?? Is it all really up to our Gut? Mr. Gut.. that strange invisible being that lives in our ...bellies?..... that we're just supposed to Trust.. even tho we haven't even had a beer with the guy. I think we need to give Mr. Gut a first name. What do ya think? Gus. I like the name Gus. Gus Gut. Sounds about right. Gustavo Gut... Junior. Ha! Nah.. he's the one and only. He is not a son of Gus Gut, Sr. That wouldn't make any Sense.. as if THIS nonsense Does! So yeah.. I think we All go thru confusing spots in our life... I just want to find that magical place where I have NO DOUBTS. That, now that I think of it, is the greatest band name. To have No Doubt.. about Anything.. would be fantastically spectacular. That is all I want.
I was told that I have "Bilateral Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome". Is that right? Why am I such a skeptic? I think these people just make things up, to sound important. I say it's called "Too much weight on the goddamn knees Syndrome". It's very simple. I need to take off at Least 20 pounds.. I guarantee you my knee would instantly feel better. And... I don't even have to attend evil medical school to know that.
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