Spiders & Scotland

Before I get into spiders...  two things.

This isn't really blog-worthy, but it was a thought on my way to work.  I drive by a pizza shop every morning.. and the "bread man" drops off a bag of hoagie rolls at the pizza shop's door.  At prolly like 7 or 8 am.  So, it's just sitting there for a couple hours.  One, I wonder if anyone has seen this bag and taken it.. and made a buttload of hoagies of their own with free bread and Two, don't animals get in it?  Perhaps they are scared off by the traffic by that hour.. and it's light by then.  Wonder why they can't deliver it when they open.

Scotland.  The one thing I've wanted to do before I die.  There are more things I'd like to do, but this tops the list.  And of course this includes Ireland as well.  I can't tell you how Complete I would feel if I ever did make this trip..  Why haven't I gone?  There are a few reasons.. which I don't choose to go into.  But.. I'm setting my goal now.  I WILL go.  I know how incredibly awesome and cool it would be.  I would be non-stop grinning ear to ear if I was there.  I am part Scottish, and part Irish.  As well as a few other things.  I feel most connected to Scotland tho.   I just love everything about.  I think green...castles... beer...   that Badass accent..  Just seems like it would be an all around good time.  I think peeps would be friendlier over there.  I could run into someone with my last name too.. since it was once a Clan.  Neato.  I can only imagine what went down in those clans..

So.. spiders.  Don't really want to go on and on about spiders.  Just wanna say how interesting I find it that such a small creature can stir up So Much Fear in a human.  They're awesome beings.. I don't want to kill or hurt them.. I just don't want them On me.  Or in my house.  I can look at a spider up close.. until they MOVE.  Haha... yep.  Then it's all over.  It's those LEGS man.  That's why I like the jumping spider (pic down below).  They're cute (not close up!).  And they don't have those creepy long legs!  Now.. what's Really weird is.. Daddy Long Legs have Really long legs.. but don't creep me out like other long-legged spiders.  Hmmm..  what's up with That?  A lot of things Totally Amaze me.  One of them is spider webs.  WOW.  Ever think about how they Start those things??  I know.. the wind.  But still.. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

spiders (to be continued)

So this guy in my office today was like "It's Christmas, right?"  I'm like "Yeah...".  He's like "So why do you have Halloween socks on?"  Haha.. it was quite funny.    I don't actually have Christmas socks.. and I just threw these ones one.  They are actually Red.. so they're more Christmasy than Halloween-ish.  But there IS a pumpkin head on them.  He was like..  "I was thinkin 'what kind of Santa is That??'"  haha..   Orange Pumpkin Head Santa.

Then this morning I was convinced a spider got a hold of my leg, right below the knee. All of a sudden it started BURNING.  It was red.. and I thought I saw a tiny red mark right in the center.  Turns out.. I think I just scratched it so much the night before, it broke some skin.  [just like Cobain..  "I got so high, I scratched till I bled."  See, but I wasn't even high]  I know, that's nasty.  I am not anywhere near disciplined enough to apply daily lotion rubdowns to my wintery white legs.  I need to tho.  I have so much lotion.. all I need is some discipline.  That works well with cheeseburgers and ice cream doesn't it??   [eyeroll]

.........even tho it seems someone is happy on the outside.. that doesn't mean they're happy on the inside......

Physical therapy for my bunked up knee tonight.  ...uh-oh...  the meeting has adjourned.  I'll have to finish later....

Good night, ya'll.  Have a pleasant Thursday evening.

Brain Damage

Why can't they come up with a better scent for Static Guard?  I would like to remove the "static" from my office, but if I do, I will be forced to inhale that God awful smell.  Not sure how that one gets passed the lab sniffers.

I should have never gone on this medicine.  I was warned.  It will change your brain.  It certainly has.  That's the thing about medication.  It helps one thing, but effs up another.  *sigh*   But life is just one big learning lesson, right?  I believe it to be.  The question is...  after we learn all this STUFF....  what's Next??

I know that you are only supposed to live in the Present.  But.. I cannot Help but think of the Future!  What will I be doing.. where will I be in.. 27 years??  Is there REALLY a specific designated path you should take??  Is it in fact already mapped out for you?  Nah.  I don't think so.  We have that gift of Choice.  We can Choose wherever we want to go.  But..  is that choice already pre-destined?  Haha... 

I've been having funky dreams lately.  It's been quite some time.  For the past year (at least) I haven't even been able to remember my dreams.. at all.  So, I don't know if I'm having interesting ones and just not remembering.. or having boring-ass dreams that aren't worth remembering.  What do I classify as an "interesting" dream?  Something that cannot happen in "real life".  Or.. not likely to happen in real life.  Such as.. HEARING wounds on someone's chest seeping and bubbling.  (had that a couple days ago)  I once had a dream about an auto accident (why did I just write 'auto accident' when I say 'car accident'?)  At the scene of the accident I found styrofoam containers full of... body parts.. mixed with linguini.  Yeah.. that's some messed up shit.  I've definitely had the dreams of a druggy.  I wish I could remember them all.  I really could write a best-selling book.  I know someone who has better dreams tho.  You know who you are.  So good in fact, at one point I swore she made them up.  Man I'm jealous of her dreams...  wish I could fly around in there sometime... 

I often feel that there are two sides to me.  Two Totally different sides to this one being.  I believed it could possibly be a split-personality.  It could also be that one side is in tune with the Soul (which I 100% believe exists) and the other side is completely disconnected from the soul.  That's really what I think it is, because if I had a split personality, I think some real crazy shit would have went down by now.  Plus, I can FEEL it when I'm connected.   Separating ourselves from the physical.... and only embracing the spirit.  THAT is what I define as "success".  That is when you do what you are meant to.. and all of your decisions in life are easy ones.. because you are embracing the Real You. 

Man, I haven't worn make-up or jewelry for like 2 weeks.  I feel like a bum.  I gotta get my shit together.  It's been a twisted 2011.  Wonder what the new year will bring . . . .

 

It's December, ya'll.

Marco Island, FL

Okay, so it's only been four months.  A lot has happened in the last four months.  None of which is interesting enough to share with you all, even tho you know what has been happening...   

It is no surprise, and no secret that I am taking an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication.  Well, perhaps it Is a surprise to some of you.  You all see me as this happy-go-lucky, fun girl.  That, I am.  But we all struggle with things inside of our soul.  Brain.  Head.  Heart.  Whatever you want to call it.  I do know that you are all aware of how hyper and anxious and antsy and fearful I tend to be tho. This pill has helped greatly.  I feel as tho I am going thru a transitional period in my late (Jesus) Thirties.  Lots and LOTS of things swirling around in this foggy noggin.  But.. like I said.. none of that is of any interest to the average blog-reader. 

So..............

I was in Florida a couple months back.  I found myself in a very beautiful section of our vast country.  I was hoping for blue water, as the web had promised me, but I should have known better.  Regardless, it was Very clean and Very beautiful.  The best part about being on the beach was being there around 7am.  When the sky was at its most amazing point.. and there were only a handful of people there.  And there's just something about that time.. standing there.. looking at the ocean and the sky.. and watching the birds.. that is very calming.  Gives you a feeling of inner peace.  Aren't we All after inner peace?  I met a couple chics down there whom I called my "stranger friends".  Cause they were after all.. total strangers.  But they were my friends that week.  Very interesting and fun people.  An episode happened while having lunch with them one day.  It wasn't funny at the time (to me), but it certainly was after the fact.  However, it was definitely one of those "had to be there" moments.  I'll just give you the bottom line. 

My version of "The Bottom Line":
My phone got a little wet.  It stopped working, then started acting insane.  So I had it outside, in some mulch, drying in the sun.  I go check on it and it's GONE.  Keep in mind, this is Before I started taking my meds.  I freaked the Eff OUT.  It was as if someone stole my newborn baby.  I frantically ran out the door.. looking left.. looking right.. hands up in the air.. pure panic.  I ran down to the sand where I saw a man with some sort of device attached to his back.  I asked him if he saw a phone.  He said "A phone?  No.  Oh wait..  mine's gone too!"  I took another route.. and.. my "stranger friends" were laughing, hanging out the restaurant door saying "We have your phone".  I was like "YOU HAVE MY PHONE!??"  haha...  I thought they had Punk'd me.. but a staffer had picked it up.. thought someone dropped it.  So, I had my phone back.  But then we all had a good, hearty (hardy?) laugh at my ridiculous actions.  Why was I in so much of a panic?  I don't know.. that's who I am I guess.  It's in my blood to panic.  It just sucked that all my contact info was in there.. and would be lost forever.. not to mention that some Real Stranger was gonna have access to all of YOUR information. 

Like how long my "bottom lines" are? 

Nothing else all that interesting happened down there besides a conversation I overheard at this Italian restaurant on my 36th birthday.  It was a large table of old men.  In my experience these type of humans do not usually talk about things like this, so it piqued my interest.  They were discussing reincarnation.  This just goes to show that I need to leave my small, narrow-minded town a little more often.  Sometimes I feel like I am a prisoner of this place.  And it's sucking me into it's narrow-minded world. 

When I came back from vacation, I went out with one of my best friends.. to celebrate the 36 extraordinary years I have spent on this globe.  And how does any 36 year old celebrate their life?  By getting trashed of course.  (shaking head)  Somewhere along the way I have picked up the bad habit.....  any type of celebration equals numbing one's mind.  I feel (felt) it's my right to get hammered on my Birthday.  That doesn't even make any sense.  It's fucking stupid.  And I'm learning, okay.  The last time I drank, even a drop, was 42 days ago.  To me, that's very impressive.  I can't take full credit tho.  It's the medication that calms me enough to not want to throw back several beers in a matter of minutes. 

I would like to give MAD PROPS (what's a prop, anyway?) to my BMF.  You know who you are.  He is what inspired me to come out of my shell and get my shit together in the blogosphere.  Thank you.  I know your life is So boring.. you just can't WAIT to read about mine.  See, that's how we do..  we rip on each other.  That's how we show love.  Twisted?  Perhaps.  Fun?  Mos Def.  In fact, we all know it's quite the opposite.  My life is indeed much less colorful than his.  He truly does LIVE.  In every aspect of the word.  Experiences life.  That's what it's all about.  Really Experiencing life.. in every aspect.  Good, bad, salty, sweet.  Learning, giving, having stories to tell.  Oh, you better believe he's the master story-teller.  I miss those stories.  Why don't you go do something crazy so I can get an earful.  haha.   Either way, thanks once again for breathing new life into this chaotic, confused creature.   You are greatly appreciated.

I guess I do believe that some people's wires are just effed up.  Some people are wired nice and straight.  No tangles or bends.  No frays or damage.  Others..  it's a jungle in there.  That's how I feel about My wires.  Are we Born with a perfect wiring system... and over time and the experience of abuse.. do they then get tangled and torn?  Or are we effed from the get-go?  I don't think I'll ever find the answer to That one.

This is old news by now, but I felt my very first earthquake, which I found extremely exciting.  It was only a small tremor.. but I felt it.  NEATO. 

My grandmother turned 80.  I can't imagine how she must feel.  I'm over here feeling old(ish) being almost 40.  Another 40+ years.  How will I spend my next 40+ years.  Hmmm.....    Life.. and thinking about the future is very, very strange.  Death, of course, is even stranger.  My mother hugged me yesterday.. and then said "you used to be my Baby!".. then started to cry.  It was Very sad.  She remembers me as an infant.. a toddler.. a little girl.  And here I am.. almost fuckin' 40.  What the H is that??  It's weird.  She said "life is fuckin' WEIRD."  haha..  no doubt, JT.  No Doubt.  Death..  my gram will be ...  Gone.. one day.  As we all will.  But we think about her first cause she's closer to that number.  You start thinking about death around 80.  I would think so, anyway.  I'm already thinking about it.  I can't imagine how She feels.  At 80... 90.. whatever... will I feel that I have lived my life to the fullest?  Will I have any regrets?  I certainly do not want any regrets at 80 or 90.  Do YOU??  ...that leads me to the question.. how DO we know what our Intended Destiny is?   How do we know which path is our Absolute Right path to take??  Is it all really up to our Gut?  Mr. Gut..  that strange invisible being that lives in our ...bellies?..... that we're just supposed to Trust.. even tho we haven't even had a beer with the guy.  I think we need to give Mr. Gut a first name.  What do ya think?  Gus.  I like the name Gus.  Gus Gut.  Sounds about right.  Gustavo Gut...  Junior.  Ha!  Nah..  he's the one and only.  He is not a son of Gus Gut, Sr.  That wouldn't make any Sense.. as if THIS nonsense Does!  So yeah..  I think we All go thru confusing spots in our life...  I just want to find that magical place where I have NO DOUBTS.  That, now that I think of it, is the greatest band name.  To have No Doubt.. about Anything..  would be fantastically spectacular.  That is all I want. 

I was told that I have "Bilateral Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome".  Is that right?  Why am I such a skeptic?  I think these people just make things up, to sound important.  I say it's called "Too much weight on the goddamn knees Syndrome".  It's very simple.  I need to take off at Least 20 pounds.. I guarantee you my knee would instantly feel better.  And... I don't even have to attend evil medical school to know that.