ASHEVILLE

Before I get to Asheville, I forgot to mention my flat tire experience.  There's not too much to say except, I had a flat tire.  It wasn't really "one of those days", but it quickly turned into one when I spotted a nice little gift on the ground about 4 feet from my car... which I was about to lay down next to:

Yep, that's a dirty diaper.  Now, I seem to do a lot of complaining about the actions of Humans but... this solidifies my point.   I want to know WHO throws a dirty diaper onto the ground in a parking lot.  Please Tell Me.  It was gross.  I kicked it away, then busted out my trusty, fluorescent orange cone that I've had in my trunk for like 15 years that I never had a chance to use.. Until Now!  I was pretty excited about that part.  I've been made fun of for that cone...  haha.  I was about to change the tire myself, by the way, but I wasn't positive where to put the jack exactly, and I didn't want to eff anything up so, yeah.  Made a phone call.  But..  now I know.  This trusty fella helped me out:

Haha.  It just so happened that he wore his "safety orange" shirt to work that day... to match my safety cone.  haha...

Soooooooooooooooooooooo... ASHEVILLE.

Nice place.  Lots of nice things to look at, beautiful views.  Cool shops.  Awesome restaurants.  A very laid back environment.  My favorite part of the trip was the drive up to Mt. Mitchell.  It took like 25 minutes to drive all the way up and there were gorgeous trees on both sides of the road...  Amazing views!  I did in fact notice the elevation when I walked up the last 1/2 mile or so to the very top (elevation: 6,684), but once up there it was.. Fantastic. 

Took the audio tour at the Biltmore.  Insanely interesting stuff.  Truly aw-inspiring to see and hear how certain people lived so long ago.  There are so many cool things about the Biltmore.. and so many awesome rooms, but one of my favorites is the dining room.  Just.. wow.

My friend now owns a sailboat.  I can't even imagine how awesome it is to own a sailboat.  It's great... and we chilled on Watauga Lake in Tennessee.  BEAUTIFUL.  And so peaceful.  I was very happy there.

Walking around downtown was pretty interesting.  Some amazing stores..with countless amazing things inside.  I could spend weeks in most of those stores.  Lots of interesting creatures in Asheville.  This one stood out quite a bit:

The Arboretum -which I continually forgot how to pronounce- was awesome.  Inside displayed a lot of poisonous trees, flowers, plants, seeds, etc.  Outside had some amazing flowers.. and bonsai trees.  My favorite flower I saw down there:

My friend who lives there was very concerned about me having a good time and experiencing all that Asheville has to offer.  I've seen enough to be wildly impressed, my friend.  But the most important part of my trip was to see YOU.  Even tho he's slightly (okay a little more than slightly) insane, I love him.

 

Thanks for the strongest cup of coffee I've EVER had, bro.  haha. 

Happy, Curious and Irritated.

Well, well, well.  It seems like it has been forever.  But.. in this land.. the land of ME..  there ARE no rules or regulations... or expiration.  I kinda feel like I have a lot to say.  But.. where to begin??

Well, I can start off with:  I am the happiest I have been in a VERY long time.  Why?  Because I am I finally back on track with my health.. which means... on a one-way track to burning off this god awful PHAT.  I'm 6 pounds down so far.  Got 24 to go to reach my goal.  People lose 187 pounds.... I can lose 30.  Thirty.  It's really not THAT much, but to me, it will make a UNIVERSE of difference.  See, where I am right now...  tossing and turning around in this squishy shell of mine...  It's not a fun place.  I - ME - The Me that makes Me ME... is in this shell...  squirming and adjusting and screaming to get out...  The real ME is lean and strong and muscular and active and hyper and energetic and healthy and athletic.  Being those things makes me HAPPY.  It just feels GREAT.  It's been quite some time but, I do remember it.  And holy hell does this extra weight make you age.  WOW.  I bet I'm really like "55" at the moment.  Fuck that.  Let's get back to a hot, slender, strong 22 year old!!  I don't know about you.. but EYE sure miss her.

M.R.I.  Magnetic Resonance Imaging.  I didn't know what it meant until today.  Had one done on my knee yesterday.  It was an interesting experience.  I am not claustrophobic, so that part didn't bother me.  The noise didn't bother me, really, since I was given ear plugs.  My mind was just RACING the whole 20ish minutes it took to complete.  I could see nothing but the machine above me.. and the delightful faux ceiling tile display of sky..clouds and flowers.. and I could slightly hear her voice behind me... as she hid in the room behind me the machine, speaking thru a loudspeaker.  My imagination started running wild and.. haha.. .for some reason it went the way of a Horror Film.  I felt like the mind of Stanley Kubrick.  Like I was on the set of 2001 A Space Odyssey Slash The Shining Slash Final Destination.  I imagined me getting stuck in the machine and sharp objects being plunged into my legs, while I screamed.. and doctors with elbow-length, black rubber gloves were lined up in the back of the room, giggling, as they planned their next attack on me.  WTF right!?  Haha...  I have no idea.  I don't have much control over my mind in certain sitches.  One would think that the delightful sunny summer scene above me would keep my mind at ease.  Haha.  Not for this girl.  There's some evil in there for sure.   As I lay there, I started laughing at myself for thinking such ridiculous thoughts.  I also starting thinking about my friend Eric, who I know likes horror films.  He would appreciate my twisted, medical daydream. 
 
Another thing I couldn't stop wondering is how on  Earth they have not figured out a way to make those machines quieter.  I have no idea how many millions.. but I am sure it's like at least a 10 million dollar machine.  And.. it's 2012, people.  Really?  How could it Still be That Loud??  If anyone has any MRI knowledge, please feel free to share.  .....Okay so I just read a tidbit that said they run from $1 million to $3 million each.  Haha.. But I bet there are some that are $10 million!

Next...

We have this neighbor - let's just call her ASSHOLE.  She is the daughter of a lovely grandpa who lives two doors down.  She's got to be pushing 50, and she claims she's a doctor so not sure what she's doing living at home but Whatever.  Not my business, right?  RIGHT.  That's the whole point of this story.  Now, I am not known to talk smack on people, but this chic really irritates me.  She's one of those humans who think the globe belongs to her.  Like it was passed down from generation to generation.  A family heirloom if you will.

So when we first moved in.. she discovered we used - god forbid - the Evil LAWN FERTILIZER.  She jogs by our house.. and saw the man applying it, asked "Is that fertilizer?" and jogged away.  She was afraid to jog by our house after that.  She goes back to her dad and literally starts Yelling - outside - so we can hear..  "They're killin' me!"  blah blah blah.. whatever else she said. Apparently, she's a freak, as well as a nosey asshole.  So, this morning.. there she is again.. All Happy and Sweaty... the man happened to be out there watering the flowers.. throwin' down drops of EVIL and she asked him, while jogging in place,  "Are those pesticides?  You know... I'm a "medical doctor" and those are really bad...."  Talkin all this shit like.. if you're going to have babies and... you know your next door neighbor had cancer..   Haha..  Really, lady?  I can think of about 902 things for you to be more concerned with.  And they're Herbicides, not Pesticides, smarty pants.  If you don't like what people do to their lawns.. and you have a doctor's salary.. why don't you go buy a fuckin house in the middle of the woods! 

And while you're at it...  You might wanna MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

Asheville... next up.

Drug-Free Acid Trip.

I'd like to get injected with morphine and get my ass into a hot air balloon.  Without aforementioned injection there is NO WAY you are getting me in one.  I think they are SO COOL.  I also think that it would be a KILLER experience.  I also know myself and I know that I would .. not for a second... be able to shut off the "what if" switch.  No way I could shove my fear under the carpet for a magical balloon ride.  That's a shame too.   I get a warm/fuzzy feeling when I see pics of hot air balloons.  I saw one this morning on my way to work. 

So I got my ride back.  My beautiful, sexy, glossy red SIX.  I really do love that thing and I couldn't be happier driving it again.  I've owned it for 5 years now, and I still love it like the day I got it.  I say that's pretty impressive.  I love cars.. what can I say.   [eff trucks]

On less than 4 hours of sleep.  The brain starts to do funny things when that happens.  I remember one night when I lived in Milwaukee I stayed up with my cousin literally ALL NIGHT LONG.. on a SCHOOL NIGHT!!!  HAHA... what were we Thinking!?!?  Oh, that's right, we weren't.  Cause we were teenagers.  And we knew how to have a good time.  I think I actually got 20 minutes of sleep that night.  Then actually went to school.  Haha...  I'm sure I tripped the whole day...  funny how your brain becomes like an acid trip and you don't even have to add any drugs.  I cannot Imagine those people that have stayed up for like 5 days in a row.  Holy Hell.

I don't know why but I think it's a Badass thing to drink Black Coffee.  Haha.  I want to be that person...  I do not add sugar.. just cream.  But I'm even whittling myself down from the cream.  ..they say cow's milk is not so good for the human system.  I wonder if I can do it. 

I could literally have a blog exclusively about my cats.  Every day I could have something new to say about what they did that day.. or how hilarious they are.  LOL... Just thinking about some of the stuff my one boy does.. oh man... he has no idea how funny he is.  Shit I'm lucky to have him.

Knowing that you're leaving for vacation is an exhilarating feeling.  I'm going to cherish every moment of it.

Friday.

Thoughts today: 

What if a whole entire parking garage came crashing down.  Like.. all the way down.  Without even thinking about what casualties there would be.. just think of All Those Cars inside.. and the amount of work that would be going into insurance claims.  ...Wow.

Saw a guy walking down the road in Pink shoes.  Like.. really super girly pink.  [as if there were a masculine hue of pink]  Your confidence level has to be pretty brazen to bust out some Pink Ass Shoes.. if you're also sporting a goatee.  Good for that guy.

Kinda sorta [not really] reminds me of something I do.  I happen to like certain "man" cologne.  Like.. ON my skin.  Not just in my strolls.  GIO is...  Ridiculously awesome.  To me, it doesn't smell like a man.. or manly.  It just smells like...  Awesomeness.    Which brings me to another thought...

What DOES a "man" smell like??  Well, if you ask me, I would have to base that on the 2 men that have been in my life the longest.  The father and the husband.  They both smell pretty much the same.  When not cleaned up and smelling of soaps/emollients/perfumes....    it's gasoline, sweat, cigar smoke and that workin-on-the-car-smell.  You know... grease n' ..  automotive Fluids.   ...grass...  motor oil...  dust?  haha.

I told a stranger today that her attitude SUCKED.  Cause by golly it certainly did.  And they are working for a company that is trying to make money.  Well, when I am thrown a piss-poor attitude, you're certainly not getting My money asshole.  ..ass cracker.  ..ass triscuit.  ..ass biscuit. 

Man..  it's been four months since I had my car on the road.    ..hopefully just another week or two!!  Man I miss that sexy Red.. motorized automobile.       ....hee hee. 

Things I Don't Get.

BAD IDEA.

i don't understand fake deer in people's yards.  but somehow i Get the flamingos.  but.. the best is...  the duck  ..in outfits.. to match the holidays.   ...... when i see this i feel like a complete alien.

talking on a telephone while driving an automobile is really dumb.  ..and i do it often.

telephone.  automobile.  bicycle.  television.  these words have been lost.  and i miss them.  what about bus?  that seems pretty short for an original. 

home-made garage sale signs.  have you seen these things??  they're pathetic.  i'm not sure which brain chamber tells them to bust out their fine-tip ballpoint pen to create their sign..  you want Actual Humans to show up at your sale right??  well, spend the 3 dollars on a FAT black magic marker and.. DO IT RIGHT.

nose-picking security.  do you have it?  i certainly don't.  you've seen the ones that do.  you look in your rear view... or to the car next to you.. and there they are... digging away... w/out a Care in the world.   i don't know how they do it.  i also don't understand why you wouldn't take care of this shit before you leave the house...

and then there's the dreadful passing thought of... what are they going to DO WITH IT!?!?   oh, the horror.  that probably tops the Things I Don't Get list at #1.  eating your... yeah.. i can't even SAY it.



i like to say the word "spectacular".